Safety: The Lost Game of Flatulence

A game lost in time? A relic of a simpler past? Here is an art form that is fading before our very eyes: Safety. The glorious game based on farts.

In contrast to classic butt-related games like Battle Shits, Safety is elegant in its simplicity, terrifying in its brutality, and the premise is transparent.

It begins with the acknowledgement between a household or group of friends that Jus Primae Fartis is afoot. Once Safety starts it remains on at all times. There are no TV timeouts in this arena.

Play begins when an unfortunate individual, who perhaps made the mistake of making nachos last night using leftovers, shredded cheese, and zap in the microwave, releases a fart. The first sequence of the game, whether by sound or smell, is signaled to all.

A proper farter will call out the word “Safety” as soon as the gas has exited the ass. Through years of practice, uttering the holy word becomes second nature. Building this skill is essential because the consequences for not calling Safety are painful. If any player calls the word “Doorknob” prior to the farter calling “Safety,” the players have free reign to punch the farter at their mercy, until the farter touches a doorknob.

Additional rules are often applied like no punches to the groin or face. If a doorknob is not within reasonable distance, all players must agree on a substitute object.

If a fart becomes a shart during gameplay, the guilty sharter shall be disqualified and immediately suspended. That sort of behavior doesn’t belong in the modern game and all sharters should expect a shame-whooping.

Now, what seems like a juvenile game involving farts and whooping on your siblings or friends actually has some practical value for society.

A Cure for Flatulence Rudeness?

Behavior modification based on fear is as old as time. The idea is that fear of consequences from a behavior will lead to the change. In this case, the action is farting without alerting your fellow humans. The consequence is getting a beatdown.

Psychologists, researchers, and scientists have explored this idea for decades. In 1873, a righteous French anthropologist, Charles Letourneau, wrote Physiologie des Passions, in which he declared that emotions are “intimately linked with organic life,” and result in “abnormal excitation of the nervous network,”and interrupt “the normal relationship between the peripheral nervous system and the brain.”

In English this means a farter will remember the pain from the beating, triggering an emotional response,and in this case—calling Safety. While it may just be a game, Safety offers a form of etiquette lacking in our world. The behavioral response acquired from playing the game offers a form of polite acknowledgement that might otherwise be expressed with a “pardon me,” when dropping stank.

We evolved our deuce etiquette using the courtesy flush and the creation of Dude Bombs, so why is Safety forgotten in our time? Or even worse, chastised as savage? For a culture that is begging for citizens to step up and acknowledge when they drop ass, the game of Safety offers a new paradigm. It’s never too late for a comeback.