Tales from the Throne: Public Pooping Nightmares
We’ve gone deep on some unfortunate public pooping events, like the time we saved Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Archie Bradley’s ass, among others. We found this topic and others like it to have a deep bowl of material, so we've collected some of the worst experiences people have gone through in public bathrooms, all for your reading pleasure. Let's start with a wonderful expression of the human spirit at a department store.
Camaraderie at Kohl’s
A few weeks ago, we came across a Snap message involving a dude named Jacob who was caught in Kohl’s needing to drop a deuce.
He walked into the public restroom at the same time another guy who needed to go #2. As they scurried into their respective stalls, a “game of chicken” began to see who was going to let loose first.
But Jacob had diarrhea, and he was, “sweating bullets, like actual sweat dripping down my face, Michael Jordan flu game,” sweating. He wasn’t going to win this showdown, so he finally just let it rip, much to the delight of his new comrade. His stall-mate had a good laugh and said, “Thank god,” before ripping his own fart. Jacob described what came next as an “orchestra of diarrhea” between the two of them.
The Ice Scraper
This story shows the ingenuity only a young child could express:
“When I was a little kid, my dad went into a grocery store and left me out in the car. I had to take a shit. I waited and waited and waited but my dad never came...So I took a dump on the floor of the car and then used his ice scraper to shovel it out the door. When my dad got back to the car, he stepped on it.”
The Chipotle Stabber
“I once took a shit so strong and mighty, that after multiple failed flushes I had to get a Chipotle plastic knife and cut it up in the bowl so it could flush.”
Let's hope he used toilet paper before venturing out to grab the knife.
The Poo Balloon Speedo
When Zac was 13 he was practicing for his local swim team when a, “slight stomach cramp soon turned into a 12-alarm bowel evacuation order.”
He was facing a walk the length of a football field, but he would soon have much bigger problems:
“I made one step out of the pool when suddenly, a gallon of shit filled my tiny Speedo to the brim like a water balloon. It was the consistency of wet concrete. To keep it in, I had to hold down the edges of my Speedo as best I could...all the while shit was filling every square inch of it.
Miraculously, I made it to a stall before any leaked out. I peeled it off and the mess went everywhere...much like when you’re filling a water balloon and drop it before tying a knot. I wiped off my legs as best I could, then flushed the Speedo down the toilet with surprisingly no issues. I ran to the showers without looking back. Once I got home, I told my mom that someone stole my Speedo and I needed a new one.
I quit the swim team shortly after.”
Two Birds, One Poop
Someone was eating a Subway sandwich in the adjacent stall. He had his meal laid out on the floor in front of him while he did his business.
We think you get the idea. For some of these poor souls, there’s simply nothing that could be done to improve their fate, it was already sealed by the digestive gods.
But some of them could have been saved — especially in the cleanup phase — with a single DUDE Wipe. Next time you’re heading out, take a moment to think about those we’ve lost to public pooping tragedies, and pack a wipe, lest you become a victim to the whims of your bowel movements.
