It’s so funny how trouble finds you when you’re on your hands and knees begging for it.
#1) The Hebrew Warrior
While in Jerusalem, I try to get infamous self-proclaimed Hebrew warrior to be in my documentary about discovering Judaism in order to break stereotype of nebbish image Woody Allen Jew. After a series of texts (yes, even warriors text) he invites me to watch him teach a class, though I’m told to leave my nunchucks at home as women are not allowed to fight with men (for fear our uterus’s may fracture). I walk into the dusty basement and there his is: fierce, strong, kind of like a Kosher Mr. Clean expect for the whole clean part. He speaks straight out of the Old Testament especially when he offers me some of his “herbal tea” drink pouring it down my throat before I even have time to decide wether I want it or not. He rocks sandals and wears a bed sheet and not in a crazy person on Hollywood Blvd kind of way. In a crazy person in Jerusalem kind of way. He’ll totally help get me enlightened on camera before I have to meet my roommate for karaoke at the western wall.
Later that night, we make plans to meet up and I put on the one shirt I have left without pit stains and make sure my camera is fully charged. Around Midnight, my warrior picks me up in a cab with a one eyed driver (though I’m not really sure which eye was missing). 3 cell phones rest atop his hand woven skirt and he screams in Hebrew into his Bluetooth (I’m pretty sure he’s saying “I’m with this filmmaker who bears a striking resemblance to Selma Hayek). He continues fielding calls while motioning for the driver to pull over in this abandoned park outside of the old city. We share a bench and some more “holy” tea as he explains that in order to be in the movie I have to “hold his Shabbos candle.” He promises one night with him and I will no longer be waiting for the Messiah to come. I race back into the taxi and pray to the patron saint of lesbian to save me. He follows me into the cab demanding to know how I can be so selfish to disobey him aka G-d’s plan and also if I’ll split the cab fare…..
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