How to Prevent the Dreaded Spicy Butt

Spicy Butt (n.) - An uncomfortable, burning sensation on your butthole resulting from eating spicy food.

With that out of the way, let's get down to business. You're not going to stop eating spicy food—it's delicious.

Enter the cool zone

But wouldn't it be nice if you didn't get a four-alarm burning butt sensation when you poop the next day after eating chicken wings with hot sauce on them? What's a guy to do?

You could dip your rectum in a bowl of cold milk or yogurt, but we don't want your roommates to ask you to move out.

Eating Spicy Foods Is Usually The Culprit

The problem is the effects of spicy food are mostly unavoidable. Capsaicin, the compound in hot pepper that causes all that heat, can't be fully digested by humans. So no matter what you do, traces will come while pooping, hence spicy butt.

If you're wondering why you would feel the same sensations on your butthole as you do in your mouth after Taco Tuesday, well, it's because your mouth and your butt are more similar than you think.

The skin on your lips and your butthole have the same pain receptors that recognize the heat of capsaicin, which sends the signals to your brain that it isn't cool. Your body responds by trying to turn the heat down, hence the sweating after that spicy curry.

Here's what to do about a spicy butt

Now that you know why you have a spicy butt, here's what you can do to reduce its effects:

  • Hit up your grandpa for some Metamucil and throw some down before or after you're eating spicy food. The fiber will soak up some of the fatty acids in your gut that cause irritation on the way out.
  • This is going to sound stupid...but eat spicy food more often. You can develop a tolerance for capsaicin after eating spicy food regularly for about three weeks. Now maybe your mouth and butthole don't freak out every time you eat something hot. Plan a spicy food hell week and see if you can't take the edge off.
  • Wash your butt with a quality body wash and water. If you can hop in the shower after you drop a blazing deuce, you can douse some of the flames. You can also apply some body powder after to soothe your situation in your third pit. Also, ditch the toilet paper and use a nice, soothing flushable wipe instead.
  • Stay away from the leftovers. Unless you're trying to reduce your heat sensitivity, don't go back to the well. Eating more spicy food literally adds fuel to your fire, so take a breather and eat some bread...or whatever fits your macros.

Walking around with spicy butt is no one's idea of a good time. In fact, when most people come down with a case of spicy butt, they usually just sit in a chair and wait it out while biting their lip in agony.

But now you have some options for dealing with this scourge. You no longer have to suffer in silence simply because you can't stop yourself from eating Thai food when you're drunk. So get back out there and spread the word that a spicy butt is no longer something to fear.